Lately, I’ve been feeling this strange tension between wanting to do something, anything, and at the same time feeling completely disconnected from everything. There’s no clear direction, no desire pulling me anywhere and so I started thinking… maybe I need to write about that. About the emptiness itself, because that’s what I’ve been sitting in.

When I really start to feel into it, it’s not sadness. It’s not even depression. It’s just this vast, dark space inside me, right where my heart is. Like a hollow, floating pocket of silence. Like space, dark, cold, infinite. No up, no down. Just me… hovering in nothingness and the truth is, it’s not new. This has been with me for a long time. I come and go from this place. Sometimes, I feel a fire inside, I feel alive, inspired, even passionate and then… I’m back here, in this inner void. It lives in my heart, in my head, in my whole being.

It’s disturbing, honestly. It makes me feel like I’m an empty person. Like an NPC who accidentally became self-aware but doesn’t know how to write her own script. Sometimes I feel like something’s missing, like some vital part of me didn’t get installed properly before I was born. It’s confusing, because I know I am me. I know who I am. But at the same time, it feels like I’m missing something I’m supposed to have. Something essential. Like there’s a locked room inside me I haven’t had access to yet, a part of me that hasn’t been activated. Like a soul fragment that’s asleep and hasn’t woken up yet.

And I wait. I wait for something to come, to happen, to trigger that hidden part of me to wake up and speak. Sometimes it whispers through me, through those rare sparks of clarity or inspiration. But most of the time… it’s just quiet. Completely silent.

When I fall into this emptiness, it’s like realizing you’re in space. There’s no gravity. You’re just floating. There’s nothing to grab onto. You try to look inside yourself, but all you see is this black silence. A vacuum. Even if you tried to scream, nothing would come out, because in space, sound doesn’t travel. The scream just echoes in your mind.

This emptiness… it feels like home base. Like no matter what I feel, or think, or do, I always end up back here. It’s not even hostile. Just… neutral. Cold. Passive. It doesn’t push me. It doesn’t guide me. Sometimes I worry, like, how am I supposed to create anything, or do anything meaningful, if I don’t have some kind of inner voice leading me? Sometimes it feels like I can only function if someone tells me exactly what to do. Like there’s no “original signal” coming from within. Just noise. Just silence.

I don’t have the answers right now. But I’m sharing this anyway. Because I want this feeling to become visible. I want to look it in the eye and name it, not just for myself, but maybe for someone else who feels it too. This isn’t just a “low mood.” This is a whole state of being.

A strange, floating in-between space.

A cosmic silence living inside a human heart.

And I guess… I’m learning to make peace with it.

Love, Sofy